I know it’s been a long while since my last post. It seems that I am that kind of writer that needs peace and quiet in order to be able to put words on ‘paper’. And that peace and quiet is not related to my external environment but by internal one. Maybe this is the right time then…

Well, oops – I’ve done it again. For the 9th time since 2007, I have moved again. Last year, I came back to France (for a third time). I told myself, this must be the ‘final move’ since I’ve put all my heart into it. I searched for a suitable job (which would make me happy and give me stability) and I finally, after years of hesitation, figured out that my ‘home’ and the place I felt good in, was France. For years I needed to have just the basics (which does include lots of shoes:) and my bags close, in case things didn’t turn out as planned and I would be able to pack it all up and start fresh somewhere else. I always wanted a ‘home’, but I could never really seem to be able to take that step and everywhere I went I felt there was something missing. I finally realised that I could never have all that I cherished in one place, as my brining up as a Third Culture Kid (in Romania, Brazil and Colombia) followed by my uni studies in Australia, France and UK and all the other places I discovered while working and living back in Europe could never be found in one precise spot. I had to understand that these places that have made me who I am, these friendships and cherished moments, live in me and through me and that I have always had it all within myself.

So coming to that conclusion and taking a decision about where to unpack, along with the job, has brought me to Antibes. What a wonderful stroke of luck! The Cote d’Azur, that so many dream of visiting at least once in their life, is now my new ‘home’. But I would lie if I would say that it has all been smooth sailing. I think one of the issues has been believing that if I lived in Strasbourg for 6 years, I would have the same feelings and comfort here. While the sun shined and my weekends were full of books on the beach, the autumn brought with it feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I put all my energy into the job and somehow by clinging more to that, things span out of control. I haven’t been good at balancing my life since a while, but this was another level, as the idea that I moved here with – was that I was coming ‘home’. The pressure was much bigger since the expectations were much higher. And the disappointment of things not working out or not progressing as quickly as I expected faced me with some hard truths.

I had to learn to let go, and to accept that even if I saw myself as a master of ‘moving’ and integrating myself easily, this was a new challenge. This was a new city. A new job. A new apartment. A place where I had no one and I needed to build everything from scratch.

Somehow by going through a harder time, I have come across supportive people. Slowly my world got bigger from home-work-home to including sports activities, the one off drink with a colleague, language groups and yoga. I made bus friends – real friends! And by sticking though the difficulties I hope I came out stronger.

By giving myself time and accepting my failures, seeing my irrational expectations, talking about my feelings, I have opened up and made space for so much more in my life. For the first time in a very long time, this TCK is truly unpacking ‘her baggage’ and not only her bags. The work we do on ourselves is the most important. And I hadn’t realised how much I was carrying with me and how heavy that weight was. I had always been concerned with the next job, the new destination, always searching, forcing myself to stay positive and being maybe slightly blinded by idealism. I felt I had to push though. On my own. Had to stay positive and keep up all the proper appearances.

But here I was now, having the opportunity to really unpack it all. Which is really what I have been up to… for the last year.

And something completely unexpected happened… by really putting myself out there and accepting everything that was happening, and not running anymore (aka: this is not the right place, something is missing, need to find a ‘better place’), I got so much more back. I am not completely settled and things are not perfect (if that even exists) but I feel settled. I don’t have the feeling of ‘home’, since I no longer think this is actually related to a physical place, but more to certain smells, the taste of favourite dishes and the hugs of few good friends. What I do have, is peaceful mind. Peace about where I am with my life at this moment. I am positive and I am HAPPY. I feel that things progress and I have finally a sense of direction. And that is the result of DECIDING to let go, to ACCEPT and to BE happy. (Sounds cheesy and like these millions of silly motivational quotes on Insta but it’s true for me.) My current choices reflect stability and maturity and dare I say… I am actually proud of myself for getting here.

So… this TCK is finally ‘unloading’, ‘unpacking’, ‘releasing’. More to come >>>